The thaw and the hidden truth

It seems that the worst part of the winter is gone and the weather turns less and less cold. You see cute birds on the trees' branches still leafless. The sky is sometimes blue. Even yesterday it was a bit sunny (I was working on site). Perhaps the birds were also there before. Perhaps the sky was also blue before. Maybe I didn't see it because the weather was so fucking cold that it froze my balls and it didn't allow me to raise my head to see the shitter birds. Or maybe it was the bad temper what made me pass and not pay attention to the blue or grey sky. Well the weather is definitely not an explanation for every time this happens to me because I have already had excellent winters and devastating summers before.

The thing is that, independently from the weather, it seems that the thaw is being evident in my mood: I sing softly to myself, I put the music loud in my ears, I laugh more, I feel like doing more things... The adrenaline has not rocketed but it is gradually getting back to its normal levels. Sometimes I feel so energetic that I sleep less hours, I'm not tired. I go to the bed at 1am and wake up by 6.30 or 7, long time before the alarm sounds. I have to get up and do something because I can't stand staying in bed. When I'm cycling, I pedal very fast even putting a gear more than usual so that the pedals are harder and that helps me to discharge a bit of energy. It is so bloody annoying when I find a red traffic light and have to stop!

Everything is better now, but there is still something... As I told you some weeks ago, these periods of bad mood are not strange in me and I even take them with philosophy, I make the most of them and get to enjoy them. I admit that it's not good when they are too long or intense though. These periods seem not to have an external cause (no personal misfortune, trouble or fight), but an internal one, mental, maybe even chemical. I'm indifferent to the job situation at the moment. Well, it will help if I keep it, but losing it won't kill me I think, or I may even quit (I'm thinking about it, they give me dough if I volunteer for redundancy... grab the money and run!!). However, I admit that this time there has been something that has contributed a lot to keep my spirit low and hasn't allowed me to take off and fly away. A friend of mine told me recently in an e-mail that she saw me strange, stranger than usual (this observation made me smile). And she's right. I have concealed something.

In mid January, one of the lowest moments, I went to the doctor for a consultation. There was something that made me suspect but it didn't seem to be anything. I just went to confirm I was healthy, just in case. However, instead of confirming it, my doctor made some test that hasn't given good results, although they are far from the worst. I will have to take more tests soon to get a conclusive result, hopefully... But don't worry visitor because this is not infectious and even less through the internet. This reason has had a negative influence in my mood for the last months although it hasn't determined it because, as I tell you, I was already like that when I went to the doctor and he made the first tests. And even without knowing anything or having any result yet, I start to be in a better mood with regard to the rest of the things.

I haven't said anything so far because I don't feel like talking about it at all with anybody (that's not going to fix anything) not in person, through the telephone, e-mail nor comments in the blog. But I feel better telling it now. Only one person in the UK knew it apart from my housemates, as I wanted to let them know the reasons of this long period with changeable mood. I think it is fair, they have to bear with me more than anybody else and they do it very well to be honest. They even made 2 cakes including a candle for my birthday (one week after I told them) although I hadn't yet explain anything :)