I was in 2014, and I survived

I can't complain about my life. Big disgraces have never happened to me and I hope things keep being this way. But 2014 has been so far the most bastard year of my existence, no doubt about it. It had to happen... A good thing of this is that it hasn't caught me by surprise, as I am usually quite a foresighted person. The changes came even a bit earlier than I expected them but I still have suffered, I even had physical pain due to the anxiety and the uncertainty of seeing how would everything turn out. But at least I've received finally that kick in the ass that I needed to start moving. I've realised that I can get too worried in vain for things I can't control, which increases the anxiety, the discomfort and the pain. (Mental note: I must manage better this situations in the future.) But I don't think I can be blamed for being motionless before the adversity or for not making an opportunity out of a problem. I think we can say that, despite being scared shitless, I have grabbed the bull by the horns. Now things are better and I am much more relaxed. I haven't chosen the easiest path either, but the one I think is the best. I am proud of that, whatever it brings in the end. I think I am doing the right thing. Another aspect to highlight is the huge amount of help I have received from friends, something impossible to pay back that has made possible for me to keep happy. Without them... no bull, no horns, no nothing.

After a stormy 2014 that has ended with my bones in the unemployment office, in a school and in another city, a 2015 arrived, though it won't bring me the stability either. Now I am seeing if I manage to calm the bull down because I have grabbed him but I can still get thrown away. The idea of a sabbatical year to learn German is good but it needs something to follow in order to be the best and not turn into a waste of time and money (and end up bashed by the bull). In fact, those are my two obsessions now: the time and the money. I have more and more greys in my beard, less hair on my head and less euros in my bank account... But I still have hair and euros, so I don't think that paying attention on such a couple of ridiculous obsessions at the moment is a good way of living my life. The moment has arrived when I must pay attention on the next step, which will be here before I run out of money and hair.

I need to find a motivation for all this to make sense, a reason to keep going. Attending lessons at the school to learn German and spending the rest of the time like a fool counting flowers on the sides of the path is not enough. I need to set a target and go for it, giving my best, and completely snub the flowers; even the path if it doesn't take me where I want. It wouldn't be the first time that I grab a machete and cross the wild jungle (scared shitless, ok, but with a fucking huge machete!). That's the reason why some weeks ago I started to check the possibilities to further my education in Germany, my first option although I don't rule out others. For that I need first to reach an excellent level by September. I could even afford to wait until April 2016, but there come into play those obsessions I've got: that time and that money. They shouldn't rule my life, I agree, but unfortunately, I must keep them in mind. Specially the money... In the best case scenario, it may be even longer than three years until I finish my studies and find a new source of income afterwards. And by that time I will be already 36 (being optimistic), I will have more salt than pepper in my beard and not a single euro.

So, for the time being, the target is set on September. If I pass the language test, I will be allowed to study in the university in this country of beer drinkers and sausage eaters that I like so much. Otherwise, I'll be fucked up, I won't have controlled the bull and I will end up thrown away, gored and without glory. We'll see what happens... but as we say in Spanish, we've fought bulls on worse rings.