The rainbow sheep of the family

It's been already more than two years since I declared myself bisexual. In fact, it's been three since I started considering to feel attracted to other men; I tried it, I didn't dislike it and I decided to keep exploring this path. I have been for some time playing in both teams, but I haven't felt totally comfortable. To be bisexual has turned out to be something vague, indefinable, something that oscillates too much to me. And after that time, I have seen myself more at ease in one team than in the other. It is difficult to explain just on a blog entry all that has happened in the last three years, but here I am trying.

When I started with this I didn't know what I was going to find inside me. The truth is that nothing has changed regarding the rational aspects. There are no changes in the way I think or the way I am, my opinions or tastes about almost anything, except for the natural evolution that every human being experiences as the time goes by; nobody is the same now as three years ago... ¿or they are? However, regarding the instinctive aspects rather than the rational ones, the mind rather than the brain, my feelings rather than my thoughts, the possible changes were totally unknown... When I started with this I didn't know what I was going to find outside me either. I ignored the shape and content of that new environment ready to be explored, what or how it was going to be. It was time to get involved, diving rather than dipping my toe, in a new culture completely unknown. There was new vocabulary to learn, habits, places, events, problems, solutions, ideas, initiatives, codes and social behaviours... When I started with this I didn't know who I was going to find around me either. I didn't know anyone in the same situation as me nor someone who knew more things than myself. I knew that I had little or nothing in common with the openly homosexual people I see on the media: legends, stories, films, news, jokes and the classic mocking queer with his characteristic accent flapping his hands around like a windmill. Something that didn't fit me at all. I knew almost nothing about that group of people, how I was going to fit, who exactly they were...

I have learnt, and I am still learning. The people I am meeting around me and are in some way or another part of this experience, they are exceptional and they teach me something new everyday, even though they don't realise: Álex, Amaury, Brendan, Brian, Brian G., Dani, Dave, David, Edu, Hans Martin, Iain, Iñaki, Josep, Josu, Kile, Martyn, Matthias, Michael, Nicholas, Paul, Ray, Rick, Rubén, Steve... I have learnt, first hand, that being homosexual doesn't necessarily involve... anything. It doesn't involve anything! The LGBT community is as varied and has a range of different people and personalities as wide as that heterosexual people have, or even more. They (we) have nothing in common, except for something obvious. And I have found my place among them, and I fit in it. How could I not if it is just part of a society where I already had a place to fit? I am as gay as Elton John or Jodie Foster, no more nor less (did you not know that there are also homosexual Oscar awarded actors?). I have learnt that outside me things are much funnier and easier than before. Everything is new and I am free to do whatever I want, go wherever I want, think whatever I feel like thinking. There are no rules to stick to or templates to behave; just a part of the world which remained unknown so far and it is full of possibilities, culture and fun. And I am having a lot of fun exploring that part of the world, with all the good and bad things it has. But the most important thing I have learnt is what is inside me. I definitely think I feel more comfortable as far as the feelings are concerned, the irrational aspect, what you can not control. I think that that's the difference between a sexual option and the others: the fact that other people can awake certain feelings in you. Feelings that have to do with affection, different to friends, different to family. Yes, I still can appreciate beauty in a woman, of course. But I am not seeking to approach them in that way and I don't expect to do it in the future. I expect to meet one day a male companion for a lasting relationship instead. Therefore, that turns me into gay. A couple of years ago I stuck my head out and now I am coming out of the closet completely, ­explosively!

So here I am and here I go, giving my all like a Miss, like a colleague at work says (although he is more charming and the metaphor sounds better on him). Maybe due to my character prone to perfectionism, I prefer to be the perfect homosexual than just a mediocre bisexual.