Beyond the hope

A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation which put me in my place in a fairly painful way. It was nothing devastating but I had hopes for something different. No expectations, but hopes... Are they the same? No, they are not, not at all. Expectations tends to be something more realistic, or not. But at least it is based on a premise that aims for reality. It is something that you build basing on the analysis of a situation, trying to anticipate a certain development or result. For example, if you work hard and earn money, your expectations are to become rich one day. Hope, however, is something more naive where you put less from your side. It is an emotional state with a desire on the background rather than a goal. For example, if you play lottery, you hope to become rich one day.

To have hope is something that needs nothing. In fact, you just need to have nothing else (we live in hope or, as we say in Spanish "hope is the last thing you lose") or to be blind or blocked enough -not literally- not to see further than the end of your nose. No wonder why it is one of the three theological virtues of Christianity: faith, hope and charity. That is to say, believe everything we say, wait and see what your god decides for you and give us the crumbs you eat so we will share them out. It is just an example, I don't really feel today like bitching about the Church in this entry.

A week later though, a hard week, I had another conversation which has made me think. It has taught me that not having those hopes I had is not bad. On the contrary, it is liberating. It is terrible not to have hope, it is more difficult to be happy, but at the same time it makes you free, so you are happier. Paradoxical, isn't it? They are two different types of happiness and I prefer the second one. Hope narcotises will. It leaves everything in the hands of chance, other people or a god. It keeps you away from the events, just wondering what might come and wishing it to be as good as possible, or not too bad at least.

I tend to be a flexible person who likes to make things easy for others, without many demands. I tend to not to know what I want and to care about what others want. I tend to have hopes in things happening in a certain way, and if that doesn't happen then I adapt to it. I tend to adapt to the world. From now on, I want to make an effort to do the opposite, to look for what I really want, regardless the time it takes me to find out. I want to think more about me and see what emotions I've got inside, because I pay less attention to my emotions than to my thoughts, less than I should. I want to follow my path until I find someone who walks at the same pace rather than try to catch up with someone. I want to make the world tends to adapt to me. If I want something, I want it all, I want it now; I go there and take it.