Luca's e-mail

My friend Luca has written an e-mail recently. He is not living in Oxford anymore since last June but we keep the contact. He asked me about my mood as the last time I wrote him he was a bit worried because I didn't sound as happy as always. After replying his e-mail, I thought it would be good to post it on the blog with his permission. Here is what I wrote:

My mood keeps being the same. Not bad, or at least not all the time. The thing is that it is more changeable than usual, not always as happy as last year. But that's normal. It happens from time to time. Read my profile on my blog: I define myself as changeable and contradictory. I have thought sometimes that I may have some sort of bipolarity, but very mild. Nothing that pushes me to make stupid decisions. However, I'm not psychologist and I may be exaggerating.

The situation of the redundancies is just so annoying. You can not make plans not even for the very short term. It's just having someone deciding for you. Shall I go to York immediately next month? Shall I stay here until September? I don't know, let them tell me what it's going to happen. Do you see what I mean?

But that's not the only reason, just another reason. My mood changes from good-happy to bad-sad no matter what happens around me. In fact, things are good or bad depending on my mood, not on the things. The redundancies could have been a great new if it had arrived in another moment. And other good news can be bad if they arrive in a moment when I'm down (for example I find annoying going out or partying when I feel down like now, whereas I have enjoyed these activities a lot last year). Sometimes I realise that things are the same for 12 months but I like them sometimes and I don't like them some other times. They are the same, it's me who changes. My mood, my spirit. Sometimes going to Spain can be extremely attractive and I look forward to it. Some other times, I don't feel like going at all, like this last Christmas when I didn't want to go (although once there I enjoyed). However, Vitoria & friends & family are the same. It is me, my mood, who changes and see the same situation as good or as bad.

The redundancies are not guilty. And don't worry because this is not bad. It's part of me, part of my 'cycles'. I also enjoy in some way when I'm like this. I need to have a break from time to time from my good, cheerful and happy mood. I feel like staying at home, not making plans, not going out. Just thinking in silence, without nobody around me trying to cheer me up thinking that it is unfortunate to be like that because it is not. It is not unfortunate. It is my choice. I like to be like this sometimes. It helps me to purge all the bad things I have accumulated during the good period and make room for another good period, which will come sooner or later for sure.